Last week in this column, I mentioned a sport European's call football. We
Americans like to call it soccer, when we talk about it at all. Which
fortunately, is not often. Usually, it's only to say things like, "I was
having trouble falling asleep last night, luckily ESPN2 was showing soccer."
Or, "How did it feel when that rabid badger bit you in the face? It was
about as enjoyable as soccer." Anyway, tons of annoying, European people
took the time to unhitch their oxen, and come in from the fields to "educate
me" about soccer.

"We call it football because we use our feet." They all whined. Yes, but
aren't you wearing socks on those feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest my case.

Like most Americans I have no use for Europe, especially since we built such
a swell version of it at Epcot, not to mention the one we built in Las
Vegas. Superior to actual Europe in terms of rides, as well as buffets,
both of these versions of Europe include things that appear to be kryptonite
to most real Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and deodorant.

Yes, I said manners. Europeans are rude. They refuse to speak English. And
the ones who do speak English speak it poorly or with a funny accent. We
didn't save your pusillanimous asses from Hitler to put up with this kind of
piss poor attitude.

I understand that most Europeans hate Americans. Good. We hate you more.
You have nothing that we want. Legalized prostitution? We have it, not to
mention all of the slutty American girls giving it away for free. Crumbling
ruins? Look at our inner cities. People speaking foreign languages? Get
in a cab. Which brings me to another point.

If you all hate America so much, will you please stop coming? I don't think
they have patrol boats off the coast of Spain picking up flimsy rafts full
of Americans trying to sneak into Europe so they can start a better life.

When I walk through my estate it's like a tour of Europe. My butler is
English, my maids are French, and my gardeners all speak some kind of
gibberish so I assume they're from Europe, too. I would ask them, but like
I said they all speak gibberish. Not to mention the fact that like all of
my employees, any of them trying to speak directly to me will be taken away
and fed to the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer is German and my bodyguards are
all from Belgium. Belgians, are surprisingly resilient.

I guess there are some good things about Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear
they've built a Hard Rock Cafe. But other than that I think it's pointless,
and much too far to be of any use to anyone.