Hollywood Hurricane

Oprah Winfrey is a close personal friend of mine. We're both wealthy, successful, influential black women so
we have a lot in common. We've shared a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, and a lot of the same cock. One time
we strapped on 12 inch studded dildos and double teamed Jamie Foxx. I like to think we were the inspiration
for all that, "hey ho" screaming he did at the last round of award shows. And when he ate a quart of mayonnaise
out of Oprah's ass and came up smiling? Well, they should have given him the Oscar just for that.

Recently, Oprah brought her Team Angel Relief bus to the casting offices of The Surreal Life and Celebrity Fit
Club; shanghaied a group of B-List celebrities; and brought them down to New Orleans to help out with the relief
effort. Due to my close personal relationship with Oprah, I have some exclusive stories from her trip.

One of these celebrities she took with her was Matthew McConaughey. McConaughey is best known for playing
his bongos naked, and not being Matthew Modine. McConaughey said, "I understand the suffering these people
are going through. On the set of my movie, "Sahara," I had to listen to Penelope Cruz go on and on about her
milky vaginal discharge. Although with that accent it did sound kind of sexy. Plus, this one time on Celebrity Fear
Factor, I had to eat a bug."

Another one of the celebrities Oprah brought along was Lisa Ling. Ling topped People magazine's 50 most
consistently annoying people on the planet list for the second year in a row. Ling dazzled the local officials with
hard hitting questions like "Hey, where did all this water come from?", "What happened to Old Orleans?", and
"Can you recommend a good place for brunch?" Ling proved to be a big hit with the refugees when she and
McConaughey did an impromptu rendition of the dirty Vietnamese hooker scene from his last hit "Full Metal Jacket".

Chris Rock helped to staff a food bank in Houston. He was almost beaten to death with a brick of cheese shortly
after starting his usually popular, "I love black people, but I hate niggers" routine. Afterwards, several men in the
crowd "reassigned" him from handing out sandwiches, and instead put him in charge of tossing their salads.

Oprah Winfrey went down to the devastated area accompanied by truckloads of food. The evacuees were
devastated to learn that the trucks merely contained Oprah's breakfast.

At one point, Oprah tried to show solidarity with the refugees by sticking one of her enormous sausage legs into
the flooded street. Water levels instantly rose 3 feet across New Orleans. Fortunately for everyone concerned,
Stedman was able to coax her back into her bus by leaving a drippy trail of nachos up the stairs.

There have been many significant pledges. Diddy and Jay-Z jointly pledged 1 million dollars. Not to be outdone
by black people, the exceptionally white Nicolas Cage and Celine Dion both pledged a million dollars a piece.
But the most appreciated pledge so far came from local hero Harry Connick Jr., who has pledged to give up
any more attempts at acting.

When pharmaceuticals were in short supply, Courtney Love donated the contents of her purse. It proved to be
enough to keep all of the hospitals going for another week. "If that's not enough," she said, "There are 10
condoms full of heroin lodged in my colon."

People have made a lot of noise about my hero Sean Penn. They say that his visit to New Orleans was nothing
but a publicity stunt. Penn has been widely criticized for coming to New Orleans with a personal photographer
and a leaky boat. Critics say that he's an arrogant, egomaniacal, self-righteous douchebag. When in actuality,
Penn claims his visit was research for a new movie role. In the film, Penn plays an arrogant, egomaniacal,
self-righteous douchebag.

As a final gesture, Oprah donated a pair of panties that was quickly cut up to provide blankets for over
10,000 evacuees. The mayor of New Orleans was slightly incensed by the donation. "I asked her if we could
just borrow one of her old diaphragms and she refused." he said. "Now I don't know what we'll do until we can
get a new roof on the Superdome."