Deck the Halls Until They are Slick with Blood

I saw on TV last night some good news for a change: America is winning, "The War on Christmas". I for
one am glad to hear it, because frankly I feel we needed the victory. The War on Drugs was a bust (no
pun intended), and The War on Terror is still too close to call. But I think the War on Christmas is really
a slam dunk.

Why a War on Christmas? Well, there have been uncorroborated reports of sleigh bells ringing, and
possible evidence of reindeer droppings (some say pigeon) at the World Trade Center right before the first
plane hit. So, for me, that's plenty of proof to tie Santa Claus to September 11th.

Not to mention the coded messages sent out to Santa's operatives around the world in songs like, "White
Christmas". Long thought to be just a harmless call for ethnic cleansing, the real significance lies is in the verse,
"May your days be merry and bright". This is Santa's plan for world domination. His call for a World both
Merry and Bright, (or WMB as he likes to call it) makes the idea of Global Communism about as threatening
as a pillow fight in a nursing home. Santa's already created one at his workshop at the North Pole, as well as
at his Elf Training Camp. We must go there and find, and destroy these WMBs.

I think sending our special forces down to the North Pole will be a really nice break from Afghanistan. After
a day of torturing... whoops, I mean talking to elves; our troops can enjoy a nice cup of hot cocoa. And there's
no whore, like an elfin whore. Even the ones that are pushing 245 still look 197: and if you slick their hair back,
96. Santa's not hiding in a cave. He's in a well marked building. The place has a sign made out of gumdrops on
a thirty foot candy cane. It will not be hard to find.

I figure we'll have this war won by February and those little elves will be holding free elections by March. Our
troops will be home by April. Just in time to start The War on Easter. So lay those chocolate eggs while you
can Easter Bunny. You're next.