It's Not Easy Being Green, and That's Good

With America losing The War on Drugs, Terror and even Christmas, it's nice to see we're winning
The War on something: our environment.

Global warming is increasing, the oil reserves are drying up, and we lose another endangered species
every five minutes. I could not be happier.

Destroying the environment is good.

Let me put it another way. Let's say Jessica Alba's ass is the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Sure it
looks perfect and pristine. But honestly, how much better would it look if someone was tapping it,
am I right?

Global warming may lead to extreme weather. But extreme weather leads to extremely entertaining
video. I never get tired of watching some shaky amateur footage and hearing someone say, "Gee, maybe
we should have evacuated."just before they scream and the screen goes black. Plus, in spite of the cheesy
disaster anthems, we often get a couple excellent disaster relief concerts.

It's good to use up all of the oil now instead of leaving it for future generations. You know they would
squander it. Why should we deprive ourselves of topless hot oil wrestling just so some future generation
can fuel their jetpack to go to school? Let's find a new energy source buried in Arkansas, or some pushover
country like Denmark.

Killing endangered species might seem wrong. But unless we kill them, we're never going to know if their
blood contains the cure for cancer, or if their guts can make a better tennis racket, or if their liver tastes
like a bit of heaven; smeared on a cracker with a dollop of creme fraiche.

Destroying the environment is progress. Anyone who disagrees better be living naked in a cave. And I
don't know what they're living on, because last time I checked you needed to kill something if you wanted
to eat. The government scientists are never going to get off their asses and build really cool dome houses
on Mars, unless we completely devastate and use up everything here on Earth.

So, climb into your SUV, light up your cigar, and drive down the street to pick up your teak end tables.
And if on your way you see a rare grey squirrel crossing the road, steer into him. Do your part.