Spamtastic

People often complain about getting spam in their email box. This is
stupid. If I've learned anything from all of the devout Christians who
email me each week-- aside from the fact that I'm going to burn in
hell-- it's that everything happens for a reason. If you get an email,
it's God's will. So, unlike the rest of you heathens, I've been taking
the time to reply to all of these unsolicited emails, and you won't believe
the bounty that I've reaped.

The first was from a woman named Doris from the Enlarge your Penis Alliance.
She claimed that she could help me add up to 3 inches to the length of my
penis. My first thought was, "What am I going to do with a 15 inch penis?"
But who am I to question God's will? So I replied.

The second was for legal marijuana alternatives and herbal highs. Now I
don't know about you, but my drug of choice is crack cocaine. But I was
intrigued, and figured it was worth a shot. After all, the NEW 100% Legal
Marijuana Alternatives like Blueberry Buds and Purple Haze Herbal Smoke
were in stock NOW and ultra POTENT. So I replied.

The third one was from MJ32Misty who does not usually forward messages,
but this was from her good friend Pearlas Sanborn and she really IS an
attorney. It was about a little known beta test that Microsoft was running,
where they paid you just to forward emails. Her brother's girlfriend got in
on this a few months ago. She showed Misty a check for the sum of
$4,324.44, and it was stamped "Paid In Full".

Now, I know Bill Gates personally, because we both take our dogs to the same
spa for high colonics. We often chat while having our pubic hair tinted.
So I called him, and you know what? It was absolutely true. I just
received MY first check for $4325.86 and it really was stamped "Paid In
Full" just as I was promised!

But the most recent emails have been even more exciting. Here's a taste:

I AM DR OKAFOR JAMES SNR THE FINANCIAL CONTROLLER OF
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC)AND
BY THE VIRTUE AS A DIRECTOR IN THE NNPC LAGOS, I GOT YOUR
CONTACT ADDRESS FROM AN ASSOCIATE WORKING WITH THE
NIGERIAN EXPORT PROMOTION COUNCIL AND I DECIDED TO
PROPOSE TO YOU THIS BUSINESS IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.

I do know a lot of people who work with the Nigerian Export Promotion
Council, so it would be hard to narrow it down to who turned these guys on
to me. I have to respect their wishes, and keep their proposal in the
strictest confidence, but let's just say they want to give me 25% of $20.5
million just for letting them deposit it in my account.

Then I received another email from a different Nigerian guy named
ENGR. MAC UCHI. He wants to give me 30% of $26.4 million for doing
the very same thing. Are these Nigerians the most generous mother fuckers
on the planet or what?

I just sent all of my banking information, along with turning over my power
of attorney to those hard working Nigerians. It's been a couple weeks and I
haven't heard back yet. But to be honest, I'm too busy playing with my
enormous penis, and getting wasted on my high quality, totally legal,
herbal marijuana to really care.