People often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything. Isn't
there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are few
joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though I am
now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars who
have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the immediate
gratification of jerking off.

There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support, or
awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this out
of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Maybe you can
lure it out with a piece of chicken?"

Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those skinny
bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of their
heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made to be
walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex. Then
you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent
kindling, although they can be a bit dry.

But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all think
that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky
keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish video-
girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by porpoise,
volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap! What
about your roommate? Or let's pretend that you have a significant other who
shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your mom,
right?

Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history folder,
they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your laptop.
And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does not
convince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering your
hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.

When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to think
outside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate, besides
standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen with
its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The kitchen;
where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one ever
suspects.

How many times has this happened to you?

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Oh, I just have to use the bathroom. Go back to sleep. I'll be out in 10
minutes, 5 if I stay focused."
"Leave the door open, and don't flush. I want to see this masterpiece."
"Dang!"

But here's your new scenario:

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Kitchen"
"OK. Just don't eat the roast beef. It's full of maggots. Goodnight."
"Woohoo!"

So here are some final tips.

Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanut
butter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But if
you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want something
that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do
not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but
this is not a euphemism.

Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are all
hotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the
Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger,
the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper.

Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them when
you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang.

Clean up: Again, it's a snap. Personally I like to do it right into the
dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the trashcan,
and the oven mitts.

While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get one
additional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one will
judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly good
living at it.

So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the Editor saying, "Bon Appetit!"